


The Anxiety of Moving (on in Life)

by TealAlternian



Series: Trials, Pain, and Healing from the Past: A Vast Error Human AU [1]
Category: Homestuck, Vast Error
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, And just... has a panic attack in their office, Anxiety, Calder has a therapist of questionable quality, Calder is trying but things are hard, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, No warning yet because I’m not fully sure where this will go, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Rating tags and warnings may change, Self destructive inclinations, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Trauma, character exploration, descriptions of abuse, implied PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26553997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TealAlternian/pseuds/TealAlternian
Summary: It’s been a month since he moved here.  Plenty of time to get used to living alone.  And he has, for the most part, gotten used to it.  Used to needing to remind himself to do things like go to work or eat, used to cleaning up after himself, used to overall taking care of himself on his own, albeit probably not as well as he should.  But he’s surviving, and doing better than expected.So why does he still wake up every morning feeling more anxious than the last?(Takes place from year 2, month 2 to year 2, month 8 of the main timeline)
Series: Trials, Pain, and Healing from the Past: A Vast Error Human AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1924453
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calder, who is like a month into being 17: "Yeah I'm almost 18."

It’s been a month since he moved here. Plenty of time to get used to living alone. And he has, for the most part, gotten used to it. Used to needing to remind himself to do things like go to work or eat, used to cleaning up after himself, used to overall taking care of himself on his own, albeit probably not as well as he should. But he’s surviving, and doing better than expected.

So why does he still wake up every morning feeling more anxious than the last?

Things should be great right now. Living with his parents was… awful, and while staying with Albion and her parents was nice, he felt like a damn charity case the whole time. And he’s doing well enough by himself, he’s learned fast. He should be happy right now, so why isn’t he?

Maybe it’s because he’s not exactly living in the best place right now. About what one would expect for someone in his situation, but still. But, he’s just short of 18 now, he can handle himself just fine. And that just… doesn’t feel like the cause somehow, like that’s why he starts every morning in a panic won’t go away for hours.

It’s definitely not a lack of familiarity with this new place either. He’s adjusted at this point, between living here for a month, and spending most of his free time at home, and the initial nervousness from the move has already dissipated.

Maybe there’s just no reason for it then. Maybe he’s just anxious over nothing. That’s a real possibility here; he is, admittedly, fairly anxious a lot of the time. Years of simultaneously being sheltered as fuck and treated like absolute shit made functioning as an actual person hard for a while, and still does sometimes. He can’t help but get a bit upset occasionally.

It feels like more than that though. Like there’s something else, something more than just the regular anxiety of living. But that’s ridiculous, it can’t be that. It’s just the usual shit, just a little worse still from moving. Nothing to worry about.

It finally occurs to him when he wakes up from a nap, shaking and crying, that there might be something more serious wrong here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, a cliffhanger sort of an intro chapter. Be warned: After this is when the serious stuff will likely start. Because Calder has been through a lot of shit.
> 
> Feel free to leave any comments, questions, or feedback, I appreciate it a lot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Calder as speaking politely and not so painfully is wild man.

Calder has never been one to ask for help, especially with big things. The last time he willingly did so, he was beat to shit, his arm was broken, and he had nowhere to go. A desperate situation, bad enough to swallow his pride and ask Albion for help.

After spending the last hour trying to ground himself during a panic attack, he acknowledges that it might be time to ask for help again.

Albion would probably be the best choice to start. On one hand, he feels like he’s given her enough trouble already. She’s helped him so much before after all. But on the other hand, she’s said she’s always happy to help, and her parents did say they would help him if he ever really needed it… Fuck it, he doesn’t know where else to turn right now, time to chance things.

[grandioseSaturation (to demiurgeQuantified)]

GS: Hello.  
GS: Albion.  
GS: Albion.  
GS: Albion.  
GS: Albion I have to ask you a very important question.  
GS: Albioooooon.  
DQ: calder? are you okay?  
GS: Apologies, I just have a question.  
DQ: yes? what is it?  
GS: Did.  
GS: Did your parents mean it when they told me I could ask for help any time?  
DQ: okay what happened.  
GS: Why is that your first assumption? Am I not allowed to just double check?  
DQ: of course youre allowed. but youre you.  
DQ: you never ask for help or even think about if you can do so unless something is very wrong.  
GS: You know, I didn’t message you looking to be called out.  
DQ: well too late. now whats wrong?  
GS: I think I need to speak to a therapist.  
DQ: oh dear. whats going on? did something bad happen?  
GS: Possibly? I don’t quite know if what’s happening counts as that. All I know is that I’ve been panicking every time I wake up. I can’t place why it’s happening and I want it to stop.  
DQ: oh my. that doesnt sound good at all.  
DQ: im proud of you for reaching out though.  
DQ: i can go ask my parents for help right now if youd like. theyre both home today.  
GS: Are you sure it wouldn’t be a bother to them?  
DQ: im sure. ill be back in a bit okay?  
GS: Alright.  
GS: And uh.  
GS: Thank you.  
DQ: its really no problem.

[demiurgeQuantified has ceased messaging grandioseSaturation]

And now, he waits. That wasn’t so bad really. Other than feeling like a bother of course, but that was to be expected. But whatever, for now, all he has to do is find something to do with himself until Albion gets back.

Or just stare blankly at the ceiling. That would work too. So he spends the next ten minutes doing just that, until he hears his phone ping with a message.

[demiurgeQuantified (to grandioseSaturation)]

DQ: im back.  
DQ: they said they would try to find you a therapist.  
DQ: so no going back on this now okay?  
GS: God dammit now I feel guilty.  
DQ: why? you havent done anything wrong.  
GS: I feel like I’m only burdening them. They have no obligation to me, I’m not their child. They shouldn’t be doing this for me.  
DQ: just because youre not their son doesnt mean you shouldnt get the help you need.  
GS: One could consider that up for debate.  
DQ: calder. you deserve help. my parents *want* to help. they like you. please just accept help for once.  
GS: Clearly I don’t have a choice here.  
DQ: you absolutely do not.  
DQ: now moving on. would you like to come over? so you could talk out the details. we can hang out after that too if youd like.  
GS: Alright, I guess that would be a good idea.  
DQ: absolutely. would you like me to come pick you up?  
GS: If you wouldn’t mind, I would appreciate that.  
DQ: of course. ill be there in a bit alright?  
GS: Alright. Thank you.  
DQ: its no problem either.

[demiurgeQuantified has ceased messaging grandioseSaturation]


	3. Chapter 3

Waiting for Albion to come pick him up might as well take no time at all, and the drive over barely seems to happen. Talking to Albion’s parents feels like a blur as well, and before he knows it, he’s in Albion’s room, sitting on her bed and essentially just zoning out from a combination of anxiety and the sheer effort of existence. It’s not until Albion sits down next to him that he snaps back into reality a bit, although thinking and focusing still feel a little fuzzy. Calder turns to her, still not fully there at the moment. “Yeah, what is it…? … Oh, it’s your room, right.”

Albion laughs softly, patting him on the arm. “I was going to ask you how you’re feeling, but I think it’s safe to assume that it’s a bit too soon for questions?” He shrugs, rather half heartedly. “I feel… Things, I think. Can’t tell what things, just. Weird…?” He leans over, slumping against her shoulder. “Why are feelings fucking hard to do…?”

“Well, humans are complicated, emotions included. It can be difficult to even work them out sometimes, let alone deal with them.” He hums, taking a moment to think over what was just said. “Well it’s still, stupid, to not know what I feel. I should just… know that sort of thing.”

“It’s not stupid Calder. You don’t need to know your feelings all the time. You _can’t _, it’s not realistic. Even I can’t tell what exactly I’m feeling sometimes.” That surprises him a bit; Albion seems, both to him and to most of their friend group, like someone with her shit completely together. It’s odd to think about her having the same problems as everyone else, but it does make sense; she’s still a person, just like everyone else. “Oh. … I suppose it’s not stupid then.”__

____

____

“Exactly, it’s just a part of human nature. There’s no shame in it. Would you like to talk about what you’ve been feeling lately, and try to figure out what some of it is, or what caused the feelings if you can identify them?” He takes a moment to think about that. On one hand, figuring out feelings is both difficult and stressful, let alone talking about them. On the other hand, putting off talking until he’s essentially forced to by a therapist is probably a bad idea.

He sighs, deciding that talking is probably the better option here. Yet he can’t help but feel a bit guilty. “Are you sure I wouldn’t be bothering you? I feel like I’ve already asked too much of you.”

Albion simply isn’t having any of this. “You wouldn’t be bothering me, I really don’t mind. You’re my friend, I want to help you as best I can.” He sits up straight, and looks over at her. “Alright, thank you. So, um… where am I supposed to start exactly? I’m not very used to talking about these things.”

“Wherever you feel most comfortable starting. If you need suggestions, perhaps working out the cause of your recent anxiety? That would be useful to have figured out a little when you see a therapist.” Quite frankly, Calder finds the idea of talking about that to be absolutely awful. Ignoring the problem is so much easier and less stressful. Unfortunately, he also knows that it’s more helpful to talk than to not.

“Alright then. I can start there, if you’d like. Not like I’m sure where else to start.” Albion smiles, glad that he’s cooperating, and moves to sit in front of him on the bed. “Wonderful! Now then, shall we start?”

He sighs again, less than eager to do this, but wanting to get it over with. “Alright. So, what do I do here exactly…? I’m not quite sure how to start here if I’m being honest. Do I just start talking, or…?”

“Well, you think about how you felt then, and what might have been happening at the time, or what you were thinking at the time. Anything you were feeling or thinking or doing that might have caused your panic attacks, a common root for at least some of them.”

He takes a moment to think about the last time he felt like that; that was just a couple hours ago, so it shouldn’t be too hard, right? “Well… I’m fairly certain it’s not another feeling that makes me panic. It starts within a minute or two of waking up, before I even feel awake enough to open my eyes. It’s not exactly something that happens either, since I doubt just waking up in itself is enough to cause it.”

Albion nods in acknowledgement. “Hmm… Well, is there anything you tend to think about when you wake up then? Whether it be consciously or unconsciously.”

It takes him a while to think on this one. It’s hard to remember much of what happens during or around the time he has a panic attack in general, let alone with the added challenge of barely being awake at the time of them. But after a couple minutes of thinking hard on things, Albion waiting patiently for him, it hits him like a ton of bricks.

“Oh… I, um, th-think I, might, know the, thing, I think about…” He looks incredibly uncomfortable now, and rather upset, panic creeping into his voice. Albion frowns, now entirely worried. “Calder, are you alright? We can stop speaking about this if it’s too much for you right now.”

He shakes his head; he’s already deep in this, too late to just turn back. “No, no I, don’t need to stop. Just not, good things to think about. Think I keep thinking about, home, with my parents, don’t like that, don’t like that and it, s-scares me.”

“Oh dear, I think it might be best to stop here then. Going any further into things would likely send you further into a panic. I’m very proud of you though Calder, you found a possible root of the issue, and that will probably make therapy easier.”

“Mhm, thank you… I think I’m done, talking now…” Talking about trauma based panic is, in Calder’s opinion, incredibly draining, both mentally and emotionally. And a bit physically draining too honestly. Then again, so is everything in any way remotely related to his “family”. Which, technically speaking, they no longer even are in the literal eyes of the law.

Albion nods, and gets up off the bed. “Hang on for a few minutes, okay? I’ll go make some tea, it’s good for calming down in my experience. Try to relax while I’m gone if you can.”

“I will…” And with that as confirmation, she heads off, leaving him alone to his thoughts for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Hopefully _, this will be the last chapter of buildup. Hopefully. It will likely be a bit until the next chapter is posted though, due to wanting to get serious topics right, so expect the possibility of something else being posted sooner instead.__


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been two and a half months now, and things are… Not better exactly, but they’re not worse either. He’s been seeing a therapist for the last month and a half or so, and that’s definitely helped with his anxiety. Knowing that there’s something like that waiting for him at the end of the week makes it a bit easier to keep going. And getting to talk about what’s bothering him the last two or three times has helped a lot.

On the other hand, he’s still plagued by panic attacks when he wakes up. It’s ironic, considering this is what drove him to seek therapy in the first place. But he’s been avoiding the topic, saying he doesn’t know why he might be panicking and then changing subject every time it’s brought up. The idea of actually talking about it is uncomfortable, and anxiety inducing in its own right. But fuck it, he’s been putting it off for long enough, so here he is; sitting down for this weeks appointment, having just been asked nearly the same question for the fourth or so time: “And do you know why you might be panicking when you wake up?”

This time, he doesn’t just shake his head, and say he has no clue before changing the subject. Instead, he gives an actual, honest response. “I uh. I think I do, actually. Waking up on my own, um… reminds me of waking up when I was, back with my, parents.”

His therapist nods. “I see. And you’ve said before that you had a less than ideal relationship with your parents, right?”

“Mhm… They were, not, good. At all. I thought it all was, normal, when I was a kid. But it was a lot of, um. Abuse, actually.” He’s already uncomfortable, anxiety creeping back in, but sadly there’s no use avoiding the topic forever. “And would you like to talk about any of this, or would you prefer to save it for the next session?”

“This time would be best, I think. I’d prefer to get it over with. Where should I start, exactly…?”

“Wherever you think would be best. Whether specifics or in general.”

He takes a deep breath, not quite sure where to begin for a moment. “Where to start, um… Well, I remember things being not so good for, most of my life really. My father, never seemed to like me, even as a child. One of the first, specific big memories I have of him is, failing a homework assignment when I was seven, and him telling me I was stupid, and a failure, and he wanted a son, because girls, aren’t worth as much. My mother was better, at first, but she was very critical of me, once I got older, from how I acted and dressed, to how I walked and spoke. I remember getting slapped in the face when I was ten, for asking to get my hair cut short. There’s, a lot more, but those are the first things that came to mind.”

“And how did these things make you feel at the time, how about now?” Great, more uncomfortable but probably necessary questions.

“At the time I was… confused. It never made any sense to me, why I was just treated worse and worse as I got older. I thought it would all get better, or that I was just doing something wrong. But eventually, I realized that my parents were just, awful, and that it would never get any better, and that nothing I could do would ever change it. I thought I was worthless, I hated myself. I still do really. Now I just, know that it wasn’t really my fault, even if I feel like it was sometimes.”

“And is this why you no longer live with your parents?”

“Um, kind of…? I… tried to come out to my father, about being trans. He, uh… he a-attacked me, and, and broke, my a-arm, and, I ran, and, I. I don’t want to talk, about this right, now, p-please don’t, make me talk about i-it, please…” This was a terrible idea, he should’ve asked to stop this topic when he started to get too uncomfortable, but it’s too late and he’s been shoved head first into a panic attack.

The session is ended early, and he’s sent home as soon as he calms down enough for his own safety to not be a concern. He doesn’t tell anyone about what happened; he doesn’t want to seem weak.


	5. Chapter 5

Medication, as it turns out, makes a huge difference. On some level, Calder never thought it could help. Never thought anything could help really. But a couple months into it, he’s been proven wrong.

His anxiety has finally eased up more; for the first time in years, he’s gone more than a few hours without getting hit by it suddenly and out of nowhere. His panic attacks in the morning have gotten better too, only coming maybe every two or sometimes even three days now. He still has anxiety spikes sometimes, and it’s not just suddenly all better now. It’s not that simple, mental illness and trauma don’t just disappear. But it’s better.

On the other hand, unfortunately, he’s becoming more and more aware of the fact that his therapist is… kind of shitty in terms of the actual therapy side of things. She persists on asking about uncomfortable topics, and he turns them down every time. For some reason, he feels less comfortable being open with her than with his friends even. The complete lack of tact perhaps. But whenever he’s asked about how it’s going, usually by Albion, he just smiles and says it’s going great. There’s no need to say anything; sure he’s no longer talking about things he really should be, which is probably going to blow up on him in the long run if this keeps up, and sure he’s admittedly starting to feel a bit more stressed out again because of this, but he’s already asking a lot, and he’s well aware that this was the only not completely awful therapist Albion’s parents could find who wasn’t horribly expensive.

He’ll just have to keep going to therapy and bullshitting his way through it, and taking his medication like he should. Or at least, he knows he should. But he just… can’t anymore. He can’t do this. Fuck everything, fuck therapy, fuck all of this, he’s just going to tell Albion he’s looking for another therapist he can afford himself and then never do it again because he’d rather suffer alone than tell another stranger his weak and stupid and awful personal shit.

But whatever, life can suck later, today is supposed to not be awful. A friend might be visiting today, someone he’s never really met in person before and who he’s hoping can stop by. And speak of the devil it seems. He checks his messages, and there’s one from her, and from just a few minutes ago too.

[existereOracle (to grandioseSaturation)]

EO: Hey, you busy??  
GS: Sorry, I was doing something. I’m free now though, so what’s up?  
EO: Long story short, Occeus called me like five minutes before I got into town to tell me something came up, and now I’m kind of just here with nothing to do because I don’t want to drive home already and I didn’t tell anyone else I was coming.  
EO: So basically.  
EO: :/  
GS: Oh, that really sucks. What are you going to do now?  
EO: Not really a lot of options here. I don’t live here or come around a lot, so I don’t really know a lot about what there is to do.  
EO: Kind of wondering what you’re up to honestly, and if you’re busy or I can come over early.  
GS: I quite literally have nothing else going on today, so please do.  
EO: Thank you for saving me from my boredom. You gave me the right address, right??  
GS: Yes, I gave you the right address. So what’s the plan then, to hang out here for a while?  
EO: Whatever you want to do really!! If you need ideas though, maybe we can hang out at your place then go out and do something?? I’ll pay and stuff too.  
GS: Ellsee, you are a saint and I appreciate you. That sounds really great.  
EO: Aw, thank you!! I’ll see you soon then??  
GS: Definitely. See you soon.

[existereOracle ceased messaging grandioseSaturation]

Looks like things might be looking up for the day after all. Visit confirmed, and it’ll be longer too! The circumstances are less than ideal, and Calder does feel bad for Ellsee of course, but still. No longer are his plans for the day to just mope around his apartment and do nothing. Instead he gets to see Ellsee and pretend everything is fine, AND do something with her. But for now, it’s time to just fuck around online until then, and try to waste time until there’s a knock on his door.

And waste time he does, for a little over an hour, until he hears a knock at his door. “Hey, Calder, it’s Ellsee! I’m here!” Upon confirmation that the person at the door is not, in fact, a murderer, he gets up off the couch, going over to the door and unlocking it.

If pictures are anything to go by, the girl standing in the hall when he opens the door is definitely Ellsee. Calder barely has time to register this fact, however, before she pulls him into a hug out of nowhere. He stiffens at first, not having expected the sudden physical contact, but relaxes after a moment. He’s never gotten a lot of hugs really, and while a warning would’ve been much preferred, he still enjoys this; he’s nothing if not touch starved.

Ellsee pulls away after a solid minute of hugging, something Calder immediately misses. “It’s so great to finally meet you,” she says with a smile. “Can I come in?”

He nods, stepping aside. “Of course, please do.” She comes inside, immediately sitting on the couch. Calder sits next to her, already feeling comfortable around her.

“So uh, what now?” Ellsee asks. “Sorry, I’m just really excited to be here-!“

“It’s alright, I’m excited to have you here. And I’m… not sure really. I have to admit, I don’t go out with others much. Or, at all really.” The scope of his non-vital trips outside for the last year or so has been limited mostly to wherever Albion can manage to drag him when they both have free time. Usually to the same few places, going somewhere new is intimidating.

Ellsee is not, much to his surprise, immediately repulsed by his apparent social uselessness. “I guess we’ll just have to find a good place to go together when we go out then! Sounds really fun, right?” Calder finds this much more anxiety inducing than fun sounding. “It does sound rather fun, to be honest.” He stubbornly refuses to admit to said anxiety however.

“Great! That’s to worry about later though, for now let’s just hang out a bit?” Ellsee isn’t the most experienced with in person socializing herself, but she knows enough to keep this experience from devolving into horrible mutual awkwardness. Calder nods, feeling truly at ease now. “Yeah, let’s hang out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been 5000 years since I last updated this... But now I’m back and with a double chapter update. And Calder gets a (very brief) reprieve in life for once.


End file.
